You can’t heal a feeling you’re trying to get rid of – introducing the GRACE practice
You’ve been managing it. Staying busy, staying productive, staying fine. Or perhaps you know exactly what it is — and you just can’t seem to make yourself go there.
Either way, you’re not alone. In my work at Lomi Life, one of the most common things I see — across all kinds of people, backgrounds, and circumstances — is emotional avoidance. Not as a character flaw. Not as weakness. But as something deeply human: a protective mechanism that helped at some point, and quietly overstayed its welcome.
The cost of keeping difficult feelings at arm’s length
Avoidance makes sense in the short term. If you don’t go near the feeling, it can’t overwhelm you. The trouble is that feelings don’t disappear when we ignore them. They go underground — and from there, they influence us in ways we often can’t see.
They show up as irritability you can’t explain, a low-grade flatness that won’t lift, a pattern in your relationships that keeps repeating. They drive decisions from the back seat while you think you’re the one steering. And the longer they go unmet, the louder they tend to get — even if the volume comes out sideways.
Research consistently links emotional avoidance not just to anxiety and depression, but to a narrowing sense of self — a gradual loss of capacity to fully feel the full spectrum of our emotional experience. High-functioning people are not immune. In fact, the more capable you are of keeping things together on the outside, the easier it is to miss what’s quietly compounding within.
Why many approaches don’t hit the target
When people do decide to address difficult or stuck emotions, they often go in with the best of intentions — and a hidden agenda. They want to process the feeling so it will go away. But when there’s even a subtle agenda to get rid of the stuck feeling, the system tends to stay guarded, and the feeling remains stuck.
I know this from my own experience as much as from working with clients. I spent a long time trying to get rid of difficult emotions with a kind of strategic compassion — love with a quiet agenda underneath. It rarely worked, and often left me more frustrated.
The shift came when I started understanding feelings differently — not as problems to resolve, but as parts of me that needed genuine presence. Not management. Presence.
And there was something else I had to learn the hard way: going into difficult emotions empty-handed can be a slog, and at times, genuinely overwhelming. Without a resource — something steady and supportive to carry with you — the experience can tip into shutdown or reactivity rather than resolution. Resourcing first isn’t a detour. It’s what makes the whole thing safer and more effective.
Introducing GRACE — a different way in
GRACE is a practice I’ve developed through my own inner work and years of supporting others through theirs. It’s informed by somatic therapy, mindfulness traditions (including Tara Brach’s RAIN technique, which I’ve long admired), and hard-won personal insight.
It’s designed to be simple enough to remember when you need it most — and deep enough to actually work.
The word itself matters. Grace — as in something freely given, without conditions, without needing to be earned. That’s the quality you’re extending to whatever you find inside. Not fixing. Not judging. Not hoping it will leave. Just meeting it, fully, with warmth.
A place to begin
You don’t need to start with the heaviest thing. Pick something small — a low-grade irritation, a mild unease, something that’s been sitting quietly in the background. Move through GRACE with that. Let yourself get a feel for the process before bringing it to the bigger material.
And if at any point it feels like too much, trust that signal. This work isn’t about pushing through overwhelm. It’s about meeting yourself with kindness, always.
The GRACE practice
The GRACE practice is a 5 step process that stands for Ground, Reframe, Anchor, Cradle and Explore. Move through it slowly — this isn’t something to rush.
GROUND into the body and name the feeling
Pause and take a slow, deep breath into the belly. Simply naming what you’re feeling — anxiety, sadness, shame — can instantly begin to soften its grip.REFRAME it as something you have, not something you are
Take an imaginary step back from your body and say: I’m not sad — I have a feeling of sadness. This small shift helps you be with the feeling without getting lost inside it. Note: this isn’t about changing the feeling. It’s about creating just enough space to stay present with it.ANCHOR in unconditional love
Stepping back into the body, anchor yourself in something warm and supportive. Unconditional love — completely free of judgement or agenda — is often the most powerful choice. Breathe it in. Feel it and let it build. Don’t rush this step. The quality of your anchor is what makes the next step possible.CRADLE the stuck feeling without conditions
Now, as if this feeling were your own child — actively welcome it. If safe to do so, let yourself fully feel it. Here’s the hard part: do this without needing to fix, change, or remove anything. No conditions, no judgement, no agenda. Try this for thirty seconds or longer.EXPLORE with loving curiosity
Gently ask: Where are you in me? What do you need? What are you trying to tell me? Then listen — not for the answer you want, but for whatever comes.A note on the hardest part
You can’t cradle a feeling while secretly hoping it will disappear. It will sense that — and close up. This only works when the acceptance is unconditional. No hidden agenda. Not even a subtle one.
What becomes possible on the other side
When a feeling has been genuinely met — not managed, but truly met — something shifts. Often there’s a physical sense of release, a softening, an integration. Sometimes clarity arrives that thinking could never have produced. Sometimes the feeling simply becomes quieter, having been heard, seen, held and loved.
I sometimes use the image of a bus with my clients. The feelings that go unmet tend to fight for the driver’s seat, steering decisions and reactions without you realising. When you meet a feeling with genuine presence and unconditional love, it doesn’t need to drive anymore. It can take a seat on the comfy couch at the back — and come along for the ride while you stay at the wheel.
Over time, the benefits go deeper. When you regularly meet emotional experience with curiosity rather than avoidance, you tend to know yourself better, relate to others more openly, and feel more capable of navigating difficulty without being destabilised by it. Not because you feel less — but because you’ve learned that whatever arises, you can meet it, move with it, and stay with yourself through it.
